#8

so i'm on an easy rotation, which is kind of hard for me. i'm not a big fan of me, frankly, and it's kind of hard to figure out why. i mean, if i met me at a party, i think we'd hit it off. i think we'd be friends. i think i'd call me if i were having an off day just to hear what i had to say-- i'd say something comforting ad it would sit just right. i even think that if i were stuck in an elevator or on a long car trip with me i'd have a good time. but it's been a very, very long car trip-- years and years and years of me droning the most boring uncensored crap in my own ear and i'm just sick of me. and on an easy rotation, i've got nothing to do but ruminate and i'm driving me crazy.

and it doesn't help that the people i'm on with bring up my issues. like i was looking at the rotation schedule and my heart just sank. all the party people were on last month. i'm on with, to be fair, one of the party people, a guy i hardly know, a guy who's not even in our class who's rotating with us for shadowy/scary/remediation-style reasons, and two people who are like ghosts to me.

one of them is the only person in our class with a kid, and that kid is all she needs in the world. her whole world is her daughter and nothing else matters, which is sweet. but i'm trying to figure out if my life without children has any meaning at all, and i look at her and think no.

and then there's the born again christian guy. the really wound up born again christian guy who never goes to any of our parties because he has something planned with his church group every single night for infinity. and the thing is that even though now i'm a pagan who's going to hell i used to be him until some guy divorced me and i ended up excommunicated from the only place that will ever really feel like home. i used to be him. half a lifetime ago i used to do everything with my church group and no one else in the world mattered. and there he is, sitting across the room wrapped up in his church van going straight to heaven and here i am tugging at my hijab, putting off noon prayer again.